Why I dislike coffee (besides the dirt flavor)

Time to ruthlessly berate coffee! My favorite.

 Worldwide, coffee consumes a heck of a lot of acreage. How much? According so Statista.com, the top five coffee producing countries alone are home to over 13 million acres of coffee, or 20,671 square miles. Although still only 1/4 the size of Kansas, that's pretty significant considering I have never met even one person who can tell me what kind of a plant coffee grows on, whether it's a nut or a seed, what color the fruit is, or how many beans per fruit there are. For something that's consumed in millions of gallons almost daily, you'd think anyone would know what it is.

 Let's say, instead of being addicted to dirt water and the tame legal buzz it gives you, you all got reasonable amount of sleep, you got paid reasonably for work you found amenable, and you stopped drinking it. Considering coffee grows in semi-tropical regions, let's figure out how much of that space would have to be solar panels to power the whole United States. Why not.

According to NREL.gov, in a Louisiana climate, 6 kilowatt/hours per square meter per day is typical, and Louisiana is further north than is accurate for coffee growing, so I fudged the number slightly high because our exaalted government's energy commissions don't offer maps for the whole world. So anyway, let's convert square meters to miles: 20,671 square miles comes to 53,500,000,000 square meters, rounded down pretty violently. We can now multiply those figures by 1.05 (6kWhr, 17% efficient) and figure that our array is good for about 56 terawatt/hours per day, or about 5 times what the United States uses. (I will definitely not say "need" in the context of American electricity usage. I know you left the kitchen light on all night an average of six days a week for the last four years.)

Assuming our usage went up enough to consume this, and the feds sold it at a dime a kWhr (Not bad, average residential is 12 cents per kWhr, industrial is about 7. We'll say highway kilowatts are taxed to make that a more reasonable average), this array would make about 5.6 million dollars a day, or about two billion a year, enough to pay it off in only 4,500 years. (Still more economically viable than the F-35 that costs as much as a $600,000 house for every single homeless person in the US.)

Solar arrays are generally measured in peak output, regardless of how much energy they actually spit out on a daily/yearly basis, meaning ours would be about 9.40 terawatts peak. Now let's say that the $290 billion dollars that Americans alone have put into coffee in the last 10 years went towards this array, we'd be 32% of the way there, and we could spend it on research and manufactory of a federal, or federally contracted, solar factory, pursing greater price advantages, and providing stable federal jobs for scientists and workers alike. But I digress. Look at me, talking about jobs like some kind of politician, everyone knows the solution is less people, not more jobs. Not hugely viable but just some perspective on your coffee habits. I'm sick of writing.